Barnacloist - Take 2
Created Saturday 12 February 2022
This is a story of me making horrid decisions and regretting every life choice I ever made.
I, for some god forsaken reason, ended up running a one shot for Pathfinder and somehow came out alive.
The Setup
My normal weekly group's been having some scheduling issues, so it ended up being aligned for a Tuesday. This isn't good for some of the people, but it seemed like we'd be able to make it work.
No. Last second it had to be re-scheduled for saturday (a reasonable day of the week for once). This meant a friend and I had been sitting in the game VC for a few hours (we show up freakishly early because we're freaks) for no reason and we were somewhat upset. She jokingly said "Walrus, quick, run a one-shot right now!" and I don't know why, but I thought that'd be unbelievably funny. A one-shot with zero prep, announced the day of, with very little time for people to even make their characters.
I realized that requiring people to build whole characters would be hard, so I narrowed it down quite a bit to make there be less to think about.
The mentality: Decisions? BAD. Choice? BAD. Thought takes time and we don't have that.
Level 1, so fewer class features to think about.
No humans since they get a bonus feat, and that's twice as many feats you'd have to worry about (also they're lame)
Races weren't very limited, open to Base, Core, and Featured on the front page of the d20pfsrd.com website.
I then realized that some classes got bonus feats, and that meant more choices to make, and I HATE decisions.
Fighters were banned, too many feats. Vampire Hunter banned, too many feats and its fucking weird. No brawler, they have literal infinity feats.
Other classes got bonus feats, but from a very limited list so I didnt care.
After I was done being yelled at for being an insane person who hates free will and decisions, I said first level max hp and I settled on 17 point buy since I couldn't decide between 15 and 20.
I was yelled at for a bit longer for chosing the number 17 instead of something normal.
Shit is shot for a long while until characters are figured out.
Every time someone made a decision "Walrus is gonna hate this". Any time some one read a class feature "Walrus is gonna hate this".
I kept asking for backstory and character motivation despite having said nothing about what would be occuring here.
I kept yelling at people to make fewer decisions and adding things to the ban list at random.
Last thing for character setup was me realizing it would be kinda fucked if people went in with no money (even if it wasn't used) because they're actual people in the world.
Everyone started 1 shot with 50 gold extra, cannot be spent on gear in character creation.
I'd put in at least 1 place to spend money on shitty items that are barely real.
What Would Be Ran
I realized that I don't dm. I don't run things. I am stupid and have no clue what I'm doing.
I COULD try to think up a bullshit thing to do in a few minutes, grab some generic banana peel traps and alcoholic skeletons, but that wouldn't be good.
A long while ago I made a level 1 one-shot intended for a 1 on 1 with my brother. It eventually ended up that his DND group had no plans one week so I filled in with the 1 shot, now for 3 people, now upped to level 2.
It happened and didn't go well, since it was a group I wasn't familiar with, the first time I ever DM'd something, missing a person, a system the people playing weren't very familiar with, very limited for time and people showed up late.
I have wiped that from my memory.
Since then, I forgot most of it and forgot how to read my bullshit stupid notes.
I had old maps but chose not to look at them, I'd instead just wing it real quick and draw new ones. (originals at the end, maps throughout as they are used)
Took me around 10 minutes to figure out how to enable the grid, but the building interiors turned out better than before I felt.
The town map was crusty as fuck, since I was rushed and forgot to do it until right before it started, but got it good enough.
I lost it mid session so here is my 10 second re-draw of it that I did mid-session with labels added in red to explain.
Roads are not shown in the re-draw.
The Session
The group of 3 is made up of Neli the catfolk mesmerist, Plato the ratfolk alchemist, and Drezzyn the elven cleric.
They live together in 1 house in the town of Barnacloist.
On this day, they set out into the town square, but Drezzyn is tired and goes back to take a nap.
They look at some of the popup shops.
One seems like it just sold a guy a card from a deck, he looks diappointed (whenever it is night, he is 1 level lower than normal)
The shopkeep is a freak, sells unusual elixers and potions, some useful, but worded like an insane person so its hard to tell.
"THIS ROCK TELLS ME YOUR SECRETS. ONLY ME NOT YOU IT ONLY TELLS ME. YOU CAN'T HAVE IT"
Plato: "Oh really? What is one of my secrets then?"
"YOU ARE A RAT"
Plato: "That's not a secret you can tell that just by looking"
"BUT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME"
Nelly also does this, but accepts it as a miraculus secret that was revealed from the rock.
Sells a coin that makes you stand back up, sells herbs that make you not have children, sells potion that yells at you.
Sells potion that makes you not be there, sells one that makes you big, sells one that makes you small.
They only buy the no children and the coin that makes you stand up. (I was willing to put just about anything that didn't cost too much there if they asked)
BUT WAIT. Coin that makes you stand up costs 150 and they only have 50 spare spending gold.
"Don't worry Neli, I do accept credit, just come back when you're a little, mmMMMMMMMM, RICHER."
The strange person casts a spell to make sure of this.
"You will come back when you're a little richer, one way or another... HE HE HE" (unsure if I want this to be THE thing, but idk)
Look at fruit stand, the fruits aren't funny.
Some random people are heard remarking on the comically large ammount of bread that is claimed to have been stolen last night.
The town guard walk past and seem to not care at all.
They say they'll look into it tomorrow, one has to sleep the other has to take their smoke break.
This smoker's daily schedule is sleep 8 hours, go to work, take an 8 hour smoke break, work is over, go home and smoke for 8 hours.
This puts ALL of the work on the other guard, who is very fed up with this shit and tired from covering 2 people's worth of work.
Detect psychic significance on the thing being smoked, has been used for at least a week now.
HAS to be magic, no way does a normal one last that long.
Also scent reveals half weed half tobbacco. Kinda fucked up.
Comically loud sobbing can be heard from the north, near the grain silo and farms.
The daughter of the main farmer is crying.
Neli says CALM THE FUCK DOWN, casts daze.
They stop for a moment.
Explain that all of the bread was stolen from the silo.
Isn't that where you put grain. Yes, but it was ALL turned into bread.
Seems like she MAY have gotten high somehow and went into a bread making daze.
They look at the silo, its unlocked. Sobbing person didn't notice this before.
Seems like she forgot to lock it, and is trying to cover for herself as best she can.
She's really bad at this.
So they end up going inside the silo.
Lots of bread crumbs.
Heavy footprints.
Scent reveals bread smell and an animal of some sort.
Otherwise empty.
Ask girl how high up this was full of bread, she points all the way up.
There was a LOT of bread.
Ask about potential culprits.
She didn't see much, considering the state she was in and the fact that it was 2am.
Did see the town huntsman leave for a hunt really late, but that isn't normal, and he hadn't come back yet so he couldn't have done anything.
Party alchemist knows that alcohol can be made from grains and I did draw a fucking bar on the town map.
They go to ask around town.
Ask weirdo shopkeep, they say there was a child walking away from it in the middle of the night towards the inn.
Kinda strange, stupid child.
Also there were like 2 people carrying something huge into there then something even bigger out.
They went west or some shit I was too busy watching the child so I could tell their mom and laugh.
The fruit vendor saw nothing, they were asleep this happened at like 2am.
They aren't interesting stop trying to find anything.
Current Leads:
1) Alcoholics making moonshine from bread?
2) There is a restauraunt on the map.
3) A child stole probably 1 loaf because they wanted a midnight snack.
4) The hunter exist.
We love harrassing children. Time to go to the Inn.
The inn has a boxing ring near the entrance.
A woman is behind the counter serving food and renting rooms.
When the party rolls up and asks "hey, have any SUSPICIOUS children rolled through here recently?" she says no she hasn't seen anything.
There is very clearly a suspicious child in the corner. She defends herself by claiming not to see many things.
Nelly: "Yeah, I tend to not notice a lot of things too"
Innkeep: "I can tell"
Nelly: "How?". The inkeep simply looks at Nelly. This is taken as a sufficient answer.
They shuffle over to the suspicious child who is clearly trying to hide that they're eating bread.
Nelly attempts to catch the child in the act and expose him through use of the "coin that makes you stand up".
Kid tries his damndest to just say "idk what you want, go check the guy who skipped town? Go somewhere else I'm like a 4 year old Brittish Childe" (That was their name)
This doesn't work, that isn't what it does.
Sleight of hand does work well though, very much.
Steal it, run it way over to the counter, run back, never get seen.
Threaten to tell the kid's mom. Leave.
Current Leads:
1) Alcoholics making moonshine from bread?
2) There is a restauraunt on the map.
3) A child stole probably 1 loaf because they wanted a midnight snack.
4) The hunter exist.
Time to check out the hunter's house.
The door is locked, but there are windows that could be broken into.
Someone apparently knows how to pick locks and nails the roll.
There's a stand with some pamplets advertising various meats that the hunter gets out in the woods.
There is a table with 2 chairs (ignore what is on the map you don't see that)
There is a counter where he presumedly does sales.
There is a metal door to the room on the right and a door to the back.
There is also a fuck ton of dirt on the ground, but it has been brushed around in a way to cover up tracks, though hastily done.
No one rolls perception.
Scent reveals that YES, there is a trail of bread smell into here.
Nothing clearly obvious in the main room.
Nothing in the hallway, the guy's room is just a bedroom, the back closet has some things left in there.
He left plenty behind, a quite a bit if he were to just steal bread and ditch town.
Time for the metal door.
They open the door and are met by cold.
It is very cold inside this room.
There are various animal corpses around, probably old, but none decaying at all, likely due to the cold temperature.
In the center there is a grate on the ground, from which the cold seems to be originating.
Plato, the 18 int character, doesn't understand what this is.
Through the holes in the grate he can see what seems to be a very cold stone.
The cold is probably coming from that.
He attempts to remove the grate, eventually throwing a fucking bomb to get past it.
Then he tries to grab the cold rock. He is warned that attempting to grab this with bare hands would likely hurt you, from how cold the rock is.
It isn't until he fishes the rock out using pamplets that he realizes, this is just a cold rock.
A cold rock that made the room cold.
And it was cold so the meat didnt decay.
Its a fucking freezer.
18 int character.
This happened the first time I ran this too.
He puts it back and leaves the room, semi upset.
Nelly uses scent to sniff harder, traces smell to stop around some bullshit point in the middle of the room next to the table and chairs.
Under the table there is definitely a trapdoor.
Its dark down there.
Plato leads because dark vision.
Comes across a large bump in the ground. Seems like you'd trip on it if you didn't see it.
Nelly can't see, its dark.
Plato almost doesn't say anything and lets her eat shit.
I should've let it happen, would've been funny.
They reach the other end of the secret tunnel, that was the only interesting thing in there. Designed only to trip someone because it was dark.
A ladder leads up, music can be heard from above.
Alcohol scent is strong.
Also bread smell is in the air, getting closer?
Come up out of secret tunnel, are underneath something, people are playing music on top.
Nelly sneaks out, Plato doesn't care.
There are a few tables, random people drunk as all hell.
A window lets in light, only real source.
A old timey mechanical vending machine is on the left, powered by a bunch of scales, pulleys, levers, and a big crank on the side.
Has anti-theft built in. If you shake it, it spits out a potion, but its inflict wounds.
The barkeep sees Plato comes out and is somewhat shocked that someone suddenly appered from under the stage.
Asks him to leave and please enter through the front, the boss doesn't like people climbing in through the windows n shit.
He goes out the front and sees 2 guards who are confused, but ask him for an ID or something.
Plato goes back in before answering, and the gaurds don't follow.
They are payed to stand out front.
Plato says "I'm 20" and the guards just say "yeah that's probably fine idk. its a fantasy setting the drinking age is 1 year lower"
Nelly is 19, so its a good thing she didnt get seen.
Plato buys a drink at the bar to blend in.
He doesn't specify so he is handed an empty glass. He gladly drinks it.
Nelly (magic) casts Ghost Sound a fuck ton of glasses falling over and breaking below the bar on the opposite side as the barkeep.
This distraction works well enough for Nelly to sneak into the back door behind the bar.
However, a patron does catch a glimpse and begins to very drunkenly point in that direction, confused as to why someone is sneaking into the back.
Crisis is averted through the use of the spell Crime of Opportunity.
The patron sits back down and allows the crime to happen (for 1 round).
Nelly is now in the back room where they brew and store a lot of alcohol bullshit.
Plato also sneaks back and somehow isn't seen, can't remember.
In the back room, no windows, lit by a big skylight.
Many barrels are around, big shelves, big boxes, lots of cover and walls n shit.
There's a ladder and some brewing tools.
One corner seems to have a mountain of bread in it, atop the bread sits a young black bear.
There are 2 armed people standing around.
One asks "Hey boss, why the hell did we steal all that bread?"
It is met with bear noises as a response.
"God damn it boss please annunciate your words, I can't ever understand a single fucking thing you sa-"
A crossbow goes off, the man is cut off mid sentence, and falls to the ground.
The fucking bear shot him from atop its throne of bread in the corner.
The bear has a crossbow built into its arm.
Also has a magic necklace ignore this is doesnt matter.
Outside the room, the drunk guy's crime of opportunity ends and he resumes pointing.
It takes a few rounds for the people in that room to notice.
Combat stars with a surprise round.
Plato throws a bomb at the 1 remaining guard. 1d6+4 god damn int to damage alchemist bombs. Splash damage is bullshit too, 5 damage even if they miss.
Nelly moves into a good sneaky position.
BEAR: Reloads crossbow and moves closer.
NELLY: Throws knife at the bear and misses
GUARD: Tries to hit Plato, misses.
PLATO: Steps back and casts shield, now has 21 AC, 23 AC vs bear somehow, ratfolk things?
BARKEEP: Heard the explosion, moves into the back, enlarges the guard. (default spells were sleep n shit. Why? Why would you give a cr 1/2 enemy an insta kill option that works on people up to level 4???)
This makes the guard unable to move really, there isn't much room. Bear is pissed off because it can't maul Plato because he's blocked off.
The barkeep had one plan and it didn't really work.
BEAR: Misses a shot (pissed off)
NELLY: Knives the bear, mesmerist shit gives +1 damage.
GUARD: Misses (they do this a lot)
PLATO: Throws more bombs, dear god they do a lot of damage in a large area.
BARKEEP: Casts uuuuuuhhhuhuhhhhhh daze? I guess? Plato fails save, now is turn 1 of not playing the game.
The bear changes to mauling Nelly, the guard never moves and just swings at plato but always misses.
Nelly keeps throwing knives.
The barkeep casts ear piercing scream. I forget this also dazes the opponent. Fuck. Turn 2 of not playing.
Plato finally gets a turn, uses last bombs.
Barkeep and guard cannot fucking hit him.
Eventually barkeep lands one and deals a massive TWO damage.
Slowly Nelly, the bear, and the guard get whittled down.
It happens very slowly, because Plato is hitting the guard and keeps being stunned.
And the bear is a fucking bear so it has a lot of hp.
The guard can't hit Plato, because 21 AC and I roll bad.
The barkeep can't hit Plato because +0 to hit vs 21 AC.
The bear can't hit Nelly because I roll like shit.
Finally, the battle speeds up and people begin to roll well, the bear hits TWO WHOLE ATTACKS in 1 round, I rolled above 10 TWICE IN A ROW!!!
This takes Nelly down to negative hp, she falls...
BUT WAIT! Mesmerist trick, psychic temp hp auto activates when hitting 0 or lower, gain 2d8 temp hp.
Nelly is back up to 7 hp.
The guard finally rolls a hit, Plato down to 1 hp.
Plato is out of bombs so starts grabbing shit off the shelves to throw.
Nelly keeps throwing knives, gets backed into the corner.
The bear crits Nelly.
The guard lands a hit and rolls max damage vs Plato who is at 1 hp.
Nelly goes down, Plato goes down.
BUT WAIT! Nelly succeeds at stabilizing, and the coin that makes you stand up activates.
Nelly is up and makes the finishing hit on the bear and misses really badly god damn it.
Pre-game prep happened, in which the same mesmerist trick that saved Nelly before was implanted into Plato, it gives him 2d8 temp hp, barely bringing him back up to being ok.
He's 1 hp higher than before, at 2 hit points total.
Goes for a bottle throw against the bear, min rolls damage, gets 1.
BUT WAIT, mesmerist stare gives +1 extra damage, that's 2 damage. The bear is at -1 hp.
The boss is dead. (the guard was at 1 hp, really anything took him down)
The party manages to convince them to calm the fuck down and stop, since their boss is dead the boss isn't paying them anymore.
Unfortunately, the crowd of drunk patrons seem to crave violence and finally made it to the back room.
They're drunk and slow, so the party just walks around them and leave. (also they all were gonna have 1 hp and would just fall over and pass out if hit)
Victory. Town guard are told about where the bread is, the person who made the bread is told.
All is well.
Eventually the barkeep and guard realize that their boss was a fucking bear.
Old maps and some notes on this
That's all folks!