TINY NOTES 02
Created Friday 21 October 2022
Expanding more on tiny snippets from my tiny notebook.
This is still page 1.
Why are clouds like this for me?
Why is the world sometimes frozen, sometimes in motion?
Ever since I finally got it out and was able to internalize that I was trans I began seeing the world different.
I used to not be able to look at clouds. For some reason, looking at them filled me with some kind of primal fear and deep unease.
But since that day that hasn't happened. They look the same, nothing is different, but I can accept it.
My body isn't violently rejecting that reality.
But since that day other things began to look different, more like what I saw in clouds.
I can actually see and notice the colors in things.
The details that make up everything.
And the world moves around me. The way things shift and change is amazing.
As I walk, the way everything changes ever so slightly as the angle I see it from changes is wonderful.
Its the most basic shit, basic ways in which the world works, but it feels so special.
I don't know what I saw before, but it wasn't this, the world wasn't this beautiful.
Its a shame not everyone can see this, that some people just live without taking a step back to see what's really there.
The clouds to some extent were always like this for me, which may have been why looking at them hurt me.
The way they moved in respect to the rest of the world.
The distance of them making it impossible to fully have my eyes focus on them, leaving them as basically just the colors.
It was what I was missing in seeing the world, all in one spot.
But now i win! It feels like I can see it all.
The world is beautiful.
Most things touched on in tiny notebook hit me deep, but this didn't.
I've thought about this a lot and have fully internalized my new reality.
Nothing is jarring here. Its just nice to know that its true. :)
Hate/Rage
It was written before, but I used to be awful and filled with hate.
Some of that remains and I hate it.
Sometimes I get irrationally mad and its bad.
It likely happens due to a ton of tiny shit weighing on me, reducing how much I can withstand.
But even then it's not ok. I can't be like this.
That's the first layer of this, but on thinking more, I don't think that's quite right.
Any emotion can be bad in the right context, but anger and hatred can have value.
It is normal to be mad sometimes, it is normal to not like things, but I don't allow myself this.
I don't know why I don't. I don't know why I don't think I'm allowed to.
Is it leftover from the times where I was wanting to act on these feelings? Where I wanted to hurt people?
I don't think that's it, its not me fighting against that. I think there's a deeper lack of self trust.
I can't give any room to these feelings, because I don't want to hurt people, and I don't trust myself to be able to do that.
I am awful.
I am not awful, where did that come from?
I fucking erased that but put it back to comment on that shit.
Not trusting myself to be a good person, to not hurt people makes no sense.
You cannot fake being a good person to yourself. You know your own intent.
I know my own intent.
There is no decit here, I don't want to hurt people, and I haven't.
That should be enough.
Why is it not enough.
I was close to leaving it there, but I think that there's a little more here.
A large part of these sentiments are coming from situations where I can't know everything, typically interacting directly with other people.
I can't know if I hurt someone unless they just fucking say to my face, which likely won't happen.
And because it doesn't happen, I live in paranoia, thinking I did something, even when I didn't, which is probably most of the time.
I've been so fucking close to just messaging people en-masse "Hey, if I fucked up and did something actually vile, just fucking say it to my face, I want to change, I want to be better" but I never do it.
I can't initiate communications and also that'd be a fucking weird ass thing to just send people unprompted.
The fears here are irrational. They make no sense and need to shut the fuck up.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Anxiety isn't fun.
Didn't expect this one to be that big.
The separate concepts of "me"
This one will take a while to unpack from my mind.
Having a sense of what "I" am isn't something I've been able to do.
The mirror never felt like me, I always just ignored it.
Seeing myself outside of reflections felt viscerally uncomfortable until recently, so I actively avoided looking at myself.
I avoided having pictures taken of me whenever possible for years.
I could not point at a picture and say "that is me".
I still can't do this.
I had it for a moment, but not for a photo. I spent all fucking day once trying to draw something similar to what I looked like and have it feel right.
When thinking of myself, trying to solidify something in my mind, its rarely possible.
Just a fog inside a vague form of a human.
Its all hazy.
Its hard to solidify thoughts around this and to figure out why it's like this.
But I think to some degree its definitely influenced by hating my body, hating the physical form I was trapped in.
I distanced myself from it, disowned it, but I'm slowly taking it back.
"Me" is not a physical being in the world, but my body is the channel through which it is able to interact with the world.
For a long time it was just that, utilitarian, there as a tool for existance.
But more recently as I come to allow myself to really be ME, I'm begining to find new use.
A canvas through which "me" can be seen, to some extent. A method to give form to the formless, to convey what I previously could not.
"Me" was unable to be seen, to be understood, to be truly real on this earth, because the way it manifested was wrong, was painting an incorrect picutre.
And this caused so many problems, problems which are slowly being remedied.
I may not reach a point where my body is considered as "me", but that's fine.
It doesn't have to be, I can like things that aren't me, it is but a canvas upon which to express aspects of self.
...
Does any of this make sense?
I'm a bit drained right now and cannot think much more.
This end conclusion is similar to one I came to before, just contextualized better, so I think it is real.
I do believe the way I've internalized my existance is somewhat similar to what is here, and that's interesting.
I'm pretty sure there's a decent bit I had thought of before when i jotted down this prompt that I didn't cover here, but I couldn't find words at the time to get anything down.
I swear there were at least 3 parts to this, not just the body and the strange being puppeteering the pile of bones, but its lost to time now.
I cannot hold thoughts anymore so that is all.
And with that, page 1 is finished.
At this time, page 2 is very full, got 9 things on there, 1 of which will remain secret, but the rest will likely be expanded.
Having things worth being secret can be nice. I know i denounced them in the past, but there is at least some merit to the idea.
And it means I'm getting some real shit out, which is good.
Until next time!