TINY NOTES 01
Created Tuesday 11 October 2022
I've got a tiny notebook.
I haven't had much free time, so thoughts have been hard to solidify into well worded stuff.
Small moments of clarity, glimpses of insight.
Human?
No? That's ok. You're you, that's what matters.
I still don't know. My past feelings and hellish mindscape really make it hard to view this from a reasonable perspective.
As shit slowly moves to be calmer, for me to be more accepting of myself, a lot of the evil in this place has gone away, but the core remains.
I could say whatever I wanted, but it wasn't until recently that I was able to really internalize these words for myself, even if I don't know what it means.
Even if I don't know what I am
Because I'm me
And that's what matters
"You're normal for this one."
Acknowledging that certain things are difficult is weird.
You don't see other people's internal struggles, you don't see them cry.
Naturally we try to relate what we see in the world around us to ourselves, but often fail to realize how much the context is different.
Everyone is suffering, no one has it figured out and that's fine.
You should not be exempt from that acceptance.
Not struggling would be abnormal.
Not feeling bad sometimes, not falling apart under everything that's on you, not just fucking crying would be the least normal thing you could do.
It's hard.
But it gets better.
Having trouble getting there is normal.
But you will.
The need to act.
Drive vs Desire.
Burnout.
That's fine
I sometimes enter states of hyper productivity.
I go hard on some project or something for a really long time in 1 sitting and crush it.
Then the next day I do the same.
And eventually it ends.
Coming down from this is hard.
Often I WANT do so something, but don't. My heart isn't in it, I can't sit down and start anything.
The drive is absent.
The drive is the key factor, usually, in me being able to do something.
When I sit down and bust out an animation or a drawing, the drive doesn't just end when I finish.
It persists.
And any second I spend not utilizing it is wasted.
This power is fleeting and I don't want to miss out on it, I don't want to be stuck again with "I wanna do this but i fucking can't right now"
So I can't stop.
And I don't rest.
And I burn out way fucking harder than I should.
It isn't healthy.
But when I'm in the headspace where I CAN do something, I can't really act in a way that's healthy it feels like.
It feels awful, every moment that I have so much power, so much potential to act, but feel no particular interest in using this.
This likely will come with time, the ability to recognize this state in myself and mediate my own state, but I'm not there yet.
I'm in a mode where I feel like I have no option other than to destroy myself until I burn out and enter a slump due to guilt from squandering my creative drive.
Hopefully it gets better.
It probably will, but this is something I have little insight into.
I can't KNOW it gets better, but i can hope.
That's all for now, I'm tired, gonna stop. There's more on page 1 that I haven't put yet but AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA its late.
Cried a little at parts in here, felt certain points weren't articulated quite well enough, but that comes with time.
Putting thoughts to words, making them real, isn't a skill I have trained much, but I'm getting better.
That's the whole reason I'm doing this.
To learn to be real.