Ok so I might've stopped taking my medicine
Created Friday 20 Febuary 2026
Was this foolish? Yes. However, i'm vindicated. It's only gotten better.
In an effort to be "responsible" i kept a journal of what was going on. I needed to keep track of my mental breakdown or buildup.
I know i experience mania. I know about the cycles i am in. But without hard numbers, proof, evidence, i can't get help. Because i don't remember anything. Ever.
So a journal was kept, to keep track of what being off lexapro did to me. Well. It was kept for a while, at least.
i'm picking it back up now at least. So that's good.
Some text can be hovered for more info. In brackets [] means its me now, the writer, saying something. Not the feeler in the moment.
JOURNAL START
Weds, Sept 17
Realized i was manic sunday. Still am in a hightened state. Sleep inconsistent. Doesn't feel needed. But i'm lucid, i know i need to.
CLASS - must sleep 2 wake up
------
sunday was a negative spiral
but then it's not bad? the world is brighter, more detailed, beautiful, and pretty
like when i first came out
------
off lexapro. Ran out saturday? Friday? its not any worse?
odd.
Fri, Sept 19
Last night - coming down? unsure
------
over? maybe
def calmed down at least :)
Sun, Sept 21
bad. real bad.
i think i can manage though?
Sat felt so normal, more than fri?
But i'm not convinced im normal.
another part of my manic cycles?
------
My relationship w/ art is toxic
Must reanalyze. i'm more than this. i'm better.
i need to learn to be happy.
art fueled by guilt? wtf is my deal
PLAY GAMES!!!!
Cont.
Felt sick. FEEL sick.
something wrong w/me?
i could SEE the chromatic aberration IRL, that project was NOT healthy.
-----
I can see the start of a dark patch.
The brightness, the joy, the ecstasy of mania, and the crushing feeling when its gone.
But i know what this does
I refuse. I am me, not my mania
No reliance
No romanticistm
I ill win.
I will live forever.
Mon, Sept 22
Not that bad.
Games R fun! fuck art! i shan't yield
Tues, Sept 23
Cried a lot last night
Love bullet... ough...
Yuri... T.T
Sat, Sept 27
sick? idk
No, i do k.
SICK
FUCK
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Wed, Oct 1
Peaked on Mon at 100.6
Better now but still recovering
sucks how im scared of rope
i will NEVER kill myself
Fell behind on class work.
read ch5. do #8, design doc + product white paper.
[In this time period, I dropped a class. I hated it. It made me want to die. It takes a bit to recover but i do. I'm only alive because i made the choice.]
Oct 22, Weds
dying. free me from this
college is a sin
end end end end end
[two images are here. one of a beartrap. and another of a beartrap clamping down onto my head from above.]
*...I will outlive this...*
Sun, Oct 26
Its lonely.
i think they're still there
but i can't hear them?
a cruel silence, self induced?
my walls reconstructed
i miss them
AND THEN I STOPPED!
I stumbled back upon my blog here yesterday. And i realized something.
The clarity of mind on display here is aspirational. And something i've lost
I must reclaim this part of myself.
So I picked the small journal back up. I intend to write more now.
Feb 19, 2026, Thursday *
recap of what i missed
------
in oct i dropped the hell class (420)
it got better after, calmer.
Nov: Manic: Pinecone. Crashed in Dec at home.
Dec: Deltarune.
Kris is great for projection and self analysis. Kin list: Kris. END
DR changed me.
cont...
the Dec crash "caused" a new impulse
still ongoing
i hate having veins
the vision is ripping the veins out of my wrists with my teeth
-----
it strong. its evocative. tis scary. its DOABLE.
i don't want to
-----
i'm not afraid of knives, blades, cars, heights, rope
I'm afraid of MEANS to an END
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its sannoying. its pathetic. it's controllable. i am ok
i will live forever. i will.
-----
Jan... idk? dates elude me.
one week ago, F12/13, crash.
its been a lil rough.
i'm stabilizing. i've been externalizing, its helped.
i cried a lot, i screamed.
i'm not human.
i haven't had a self in ages
that's.... probably not ok. i should work on that
Not just one self. i'm open to more.
also new stance unlocked?
[an image of the beartrap girl, fangs not adorned, but weilded in hand]
rage? targeted. with purpose. just.
-----
i don't exist in pictures or mirrors. or my own sight, these parts are divorced from me.
not sure how 2 handle that.
-----
Plural? its odd. i don't think i'm alone. i've rebuilt walls i think. must destroy.
Cont...
"i am a purely conceptual being"
manifest through art
everything is art
this is art
breathing is art
thought is art
-----
i want to not be alone
must look up more research
-----
i need my old "tiny notebook"
i need 2 look back. i don't remember i never do.
-----
I NEED TO REMEBMER
-----
i miss the sky, the stars, the moon
-----
I WILL LIVE FOREVER
Cont...
Should mention pre-crash
Thursday F5 sick, already was, kicked up though. just noticed it was real. sunday had idea 4 Juniper.
swept away. finished friday.
same day crash started, maybe thurs
-----
Fear Fear WHY.
-----
crashed for a bit.
idk when, or if it ended
idk when the mania began.
sunday it was real tho.
-----
forgetting is a problem. unresolved must be resolved.
MUST REMEMBER
Cont...
A night or 2 ago i was freaking out
felt crazy
like i was 2/3 edibles deep.
I had none.
my body was self destructing.
my arm was losing blood
i was so afraid
i cried
bad
without purpose
tears for no cause
tears are meant
to heal
i didn't die. i thought i would
idk how
Fri, Feb 20
need 2 write more.
not just here. diary/blog redux!!!
-----
Art club is nice
-----
interesting how the beartrap changed and evolved
its apt. very.
-----
i need 2 love me.
-----
may be interesting to interrogate love, joy, and the world.
SOME CLOSING THOUGHTS
was it stupid of me? to just never get a lexapro refill? and just gun it?
yes. Very.
i wasn't in a good state at the time. Hell class + a likely manic episode combined to make me just gun it.
but it worked. i'm still me
And i'm better, somehow.
Lexapro suppresed me, it made me not feel, i've reveled recently in being able to cry
i missed being able to cry so much.
no matter what, that's worth it.
i love to love, i like to smile, the world is a joy
regardless of the pits, i'm at a point where a pit can't kill me.
i wasn't before.
lexapro maybe helped at first through suppression
but i have grown, i'm stronger, i'm me.
i do hope to get medicated again eventually.
but i want something else
the cylces are often a problem
i'd like that addressed
not anxiety, not depression
the loop i'm stuck in, where i'm in a high beyond belief into immediate pit of endless despair
there is rarely a neutral. its only the extremes
there is merit to a median. that is what i want
The old tiny notebook was formatted very differently to this.
Here, i translated it rather directly for the most part. I wrote full thoughts, linearly
The tiny notebook was fragments of ideas. I'd write something like "i'm gay" and that'd be enough for me to remember the thought and expand upon it back at a computer.
That's a good method, i think.
i started moving towards that near the end here, in the last entry (it was today???? how????)
so i think i should address those now.
Need to write more: There is a clarity of thought in my past writings here, an understanding of the self beyond what can be understood. It is healthy and an amazing avenue for reflection and self discovery. There is a reason I'm making this. I hope to continue.
Art club: I did art club! been to 3 sessions i think? Its nice. Finally got out of my room, gone out, met people, talked. Not fully alone.
Beartrap: The beartrap happened in 2023, go to my comics page and you can see the mainline comic. it was vauge self reflection, on things that were felt, not necessarily real. i still don't quite know what it is about in full. Anxious attachment? Fear of abandonment? Hurting those you love? Being unlovable? Self inflicted isolation?
But it has grown. The beartrap has been a useful metaphor in analyzing my own mental state. I can see it, visualize and feel it. It is pointing down. There are times where the wreath of fangs does not adorn my neck. But now is not one of them. It has grown from being a representation of very specific mental issues and trauma.
To some degree it is me. The beartrap girl. And in my healthiest moments in the past, there was no beartrap, just a girl.
But its recontextualizing. The vision of it being weilded as a tool. It can be reclaimed. I can be me with intent. I am allowed to. I will be fine. I don't have to hurt anyone that I don't want to. I can be in control.
i need 2 love me: self explanatory. the beatrap turned down is not healthy. i'd rather bare my fangs to the world. There musn't be shame. There must be love for the self, for what i have accomplished, for the fact I still am live. That is a miracle of my own creation. Do not forget.
love joy and the world: i've thought about a lot of things. what love is. what wanting is. and if its ok? (it is)
i love my friends. i love the world, i love everything. In a sense, all things i experience are love
the way we put love on a pedestal, romanticize romance, is unhealthy.
i'm glad i've met the people i have. i love them all. they have helped with my mindset and reassessing things.
and honestly. its not very different from any other love i've felt? to some degree, friends are all that matter.
sometimes i want more. but that can be achieved through so many means, in so many ways.
in my heart, all i could want more is to spend more time together, maybe tie me up with rope, and for myself to be brave enough to say "i love my friends :)" more often and in front of more people.
the root of my desire is self expression. to externalize the thoughts and feelings. because i don't really feel like i *want* anything real. i just want a "safer" way to externalize these feelings and thoughts.
and i miss vivian. i don't think a relationship would work, still. but i handled shit so poorly in the past, i'm afraid of reconnecting. i'm afraid of hurting it again. but i do still care. i care a lot. i always have. my friend. i'm sorry.