Beartrap
Created Thursday 26 February 2026
There was a gag here but i think this matters more.
Its not your fault. Its not either of our faults.
There is no blame.
And if there is, it's mine.
Anyway.
"Don't Fall in Love With Beartrap Girl" released 4/22/2023, i was not doing well. In the first dream journal entry i discuss a dream. It's related, i think.
Beartrap Girl 1 was about anxious attachment and fear of hurting others.
Its about me. i am the beartrap girl.
i was in a "relationship" at the time. It didn't go well, but we're still friends now, which is nice. I'm lucky for that.
Beartrap Girl first emerged while i was slowly realizing this wasn't working.
Beartrap
When i made it, it was... somewhat compelled.
A lot of my best art it. It simply comes forth. And i don't know how, or where it comes from.
A self bleeds through the pages. A self i've never seen, or truly had.
And here, in that disfuncitonal relationship i was in, i felt isolated.
And like i'd always be.
A wreath of fangs adorned her neck, an implicit defense mechanism. Harm to any who would harm her.
Harm to any who would love. Who would dare get close.
Fundamentally, i was evil.
The ending, the final section of an outstretched hand, followed by a beartrap springing, drenched in blood.
i've heard others say positive things, call it cute, like something good happened.
It didn't. There was simply an attempt. Why would you expect it to end any different.
The overwhelming sentiment i had at this time was that i was evil. Somehow.
Anyone i got near would end up hurt, by me. The only way i could express love or kindness was to run away. To hide.
In wanting, i will cause pain.
But in believing you are not deserving, not allowed to want, you do not stop yourself from wanting.
You only stop others from knowing. From being able to help.
It is not only the self that is harmed. In isolation and denial you will not bear that burden alone, no matter how badly you want to.
Beartrap
The second one was about me reaching out, me wanting more. And how crushing it was when it wasn't working out.
Its obviously a continuation of the last, an immediate refutation of any hopeful interpretation of the first.
It will always end the same. Until i can no longer ignore the truth.
Maybe i'm meant to be alone.
Note the specific line "Maybe she's meant for the sea" is yoinked from Song of the Sea - Cake Bake Betty. Love that song. And i felt it at the time.
At this time, i think i was still "with" it. But it wasn't really working. After being ignored for so long (or feeling like it at least), i gave up, and stopped trying.
Only for the time to finally be right, and i missed it.
And this one is about that. About how i was resigned to my fate. And how i began to drown.
Beartrap
The third is about self harm, obviously. And the ideation thereof.
i can do nothing but hurt others. And yet i stand here untouchable.
If i have to hurt someone, why can't it just be me?
This one is mostly poetry honestly? Never realized that until now. The others felt like the visual storytelling was an important aspect but here its vestigial.
Its horrible, paralizing, to believe that you will hurt everyone you love.
If i have to hurt someone, why can't it just be me? If i have to hurt someone, why can't it just be me? If i have to hurt someone, why can't it just be me?
You know why, fool. You ARE hurting yourself. Every week, every day, ever second you stand here acting like this.
They are not the only one harmed by your fucking actions.
Get more abstract with your conception of self harm. Because you are doing it.
Get over yourself, prick.
I kinda just got real life mad there wtf.
Anyway, i wasn't doing well. And i felt immense guilt about it.
Beartrap?
3.5, only ever released on twitter. But i linked it now, under the last page of 3.
A dream?
Its fucked.
Its about FF in 2023, and how i felt.
Really bad alignment of events in The Cylcle™ and everything began to fall apart after.
And i had a dream. A dream that would not leave me.
It is retold as accurately as i could.
It stuck with me for a long time, but just like the other fucked up dream i had, this one too has faded.
Going to FF in 2023 was a mistake. And in going i became alone, isolated, in a new environment that was far too much for me.
And the cycle hit
i shouldn't have gone...
Honestly, this doesn't fit well in the beartrap line. But its here, because it feels relevant.
The beartrap iconography. The theming of abandonment and self harm.
The event, the person.
It's just... i don't know. It's odd.
Honestly its probably also about some pervert shit, and fear surrounding that.
Its scary, the kind of vulnerability and weakness needed. How easily i could be hurt, betrayed, abandoned again.
How easy it would be to hurt me.
As this is a dream its like, so much less intelligable to me.
It lacks a clarity that i've been able to find in most of the rest of these.
There isn't an intent, really.
Merely vauge feelings and insecurities melding togehter.
It isn't here because its good. But because i find it kinda interesting.
Beartrap
This one's about my mom. And how thinking back, she made some bad choices.
Her fears washed off onto me and manifested in ways that were not healthy.
Kinda upset about some of that honestly.
This one is by far the weakest, even more than the dream.
It's about my mom, it's not at all about what Beartrap Girl was about.
Not me, not it, not how i fell apart and ruined everything.
i don't really like this one.
Beartrap
This one... is hard to pinpoint.
The only one made in physical. And it was hidden in the woods after.
i don't think anyone found it ever, but its definitely gone by now.
Wind and rain would not treat this kindly.
While i was in that relationship, i was always waiting.
But i couldn't stay in denial forever. And eventually i gave up waiting.
I gave up.
Except i never did, really.
i was always hoping, always waiting and hoping there was a chance any way it could get better for there to be any chance
But there wasn't.
There isn't.
And at least right now, i still don't think i'd believe it.
The end though. I spent so long thinking. What that meant. What it was supposed to mean.
What is best left forgotten.
Because in the end. I couldn't forget.
And now, I don't want to. I don't want to forget. Not what happened, not it, not how it hurt, not what it did to me.
That shit changed me. And I am stronger now. Fuck you past self.
Move on. Do not forget.
Reclaim what is rightfully yours.
I'm glad i started to think back to this, think on this, to remember.
It has healed me, helped me greatly. To know what happened, to know I would not do this again.
To know i'm healthy enough that it COULD work now.
To forgive. To properly move on.
To some degree I think I had resolved to repress this?
To forget how bad it ended up?
To forget about it?
To forget that i still care?
Fuck that.
Me. Beartrap
Around when discord did the bullshit where they removed the numbers, i had to put a default name thing.
And it was bear trap. In a way, admitting that i hadn't moved on, no matter what i claimed.
The beartrap had become a part of me.
It was never just an apt metaphor.
It was me, it was the lens through which i conceptualized myself.
It was that before Beartrap Girl even. She is like that because I am like that because she is ME because I am HER.
WHY COULDN'T I SEE IT.
TAKE BACK WHAT IS YOURS
Sorry.
I've always had big issues with self perception. I didn't have a me.
But often it was the Beartrap Girl that I saw.
In fearful times, the beartrap faced up, at risk of lashing out, hurting others.
In times where i was most unwell, it face down, to bite into my own flesh. Often she appeared happiest in these moments. She knows not what she wants.
And at times most peacful, it was gone. It was rare, exceptionally, but it was always gone before long.
But recently a new form has taken root. The girl has the beartrap in hand, not adorned around her neck.
She has taken it back. She is angry. She is directed. She is not afraid.
There is merit in some rage, some lashing out. It can do good, if handled properly.
And now the beartrap is in good hands. MY hands.
I am not afraid.
I am at peace with what I am.
I am me.
And I am the beartrap girl.
Btw if anyone knows or can find it, there's this one image that some artist posted on twitter i think.
Its of some beutiful woman who i would let ruin my life, she had a beartrap collar/necklace thing i think?
Beartraps i think were like, a big part of the character's theming overall, more than just the beartrap itself.
You could see it reflected in so much.
And it was vaugely purple.
This is what made me start thinking about beartraps, and it'd be neat to find it again.
But i can't. It was so long ago. Late 2022/early 2023.
And on TWITTER!!! THAT SITE DOESN'T EXIST ANYMORE!!
Oh well. That beautiful woman will live on in my mind and will be forever remembered as the reason that some weird trauma of mine has manifested in this specific way.
Its not a bad thing. Its just the way things went.
I went most of this without crying, which i think is notable. I'd usually cry when going through stuff like this.
But i think i did that all already.
By the end i hope it came across that i was at peace with this.
That i have reconciled the beartrap, that i recognize it as a part of me, that it isn't just a curse, it is me.
I did cry near the end of writing this, and again now, writing this about crying.
But I think its notable. Just how far I've come.
I'm proud of me.
Thank you.
- The Beartrap Girl